I think I might have loved him from the moment I heard his baritone on the other line and we spent days and months learning each other. Or maybe it was when I greeted him for the first time at the airport... Or maybe it's when he valued my friendship so much that he refused to be like any other man and allow me to seduce him.
He showed how toxic my idea of love was. I used sex for control and validation. It was rarely out of genuine feelings. Being molested at a young age had its affects and he refused to feed my addiction.
He gave me laughter instead of dick. He took his time with me. He dodged and moved every advance I threw at him until I understood all he had to offer was friendship.
… A friendship that left rainbows of beauty in my heart… He was different, the type of different that other men wish they were but could never be. I love him.
I looked for him in every kiss and every touch. I thought of him as I played love songs. He freed me.
He freed me from the burden of sex and allowed me to be me in every flaw and every victory. I was determined to wait him out.
After a year, I asked him, "Do you think we will ever be together?"
"We are together," he replied without hesitation.
"You know what I mean, like a couple?" I felt stupid as soon as I said it.
With no judgment he smiled at me and said, "Who defines love and relationship? We do! What we have is so much more beautiful than my penis entering your vagina. You deserve to know that. You deserve to have that."
Damn, who made him!?
One day he called me and told me he made love to a woman he was dating. He told me he was going to give her a chance and settle into some girlfriend and boyfriend shit. He said in some way he feels like he is cheating on me. I asked why and he said, "Because I know you are waiting for me. You know you don't have to wait. I'm not going anywhere."
Of course things changed. Not too many women have the security to allow their man to have a friend like me. No more 3-hour phone calls. No more laughing until I cried. I didn't talk to him for months. He called I didn't answer. I couldn't. I thought I had to release him from the burden of me.
One day he called. He always said my name as if to remind me he sees me. "Hey you" I responded. He began talking as if we just spoke yesterday and I laughed and rolled around in all of his colors and moved closer into him.
"Yeah I'm done with this hooking up shit." he finally said. " I am a free spirit and I just can't be confined by the standards set by another. Thank you for the shared bliss. I never had a friend like this. You stood when the world under me missed."
"Get it? " he asked.
"You understood me when the whole world misunderstood me."
I told you some of my darkest secrets and you loved me and allowed me to love you without condition. I need you. You are one of the most important relationships in my life."
For the first time I heard him. How selfish I had been to want to tie him down with a love as thick as mine. He gave me colors and I just wanted to give him pussy.
We became closer and closer and the closer I got to him... The more I loved myself. We have never touched in a sexual way but no one alive will ever touch me the way he does. And no one ever will... I realized I did not love him. He is love!
~Nile