I blocked him from all forms of communication. Why? So many reasons the main one being he did nothing for me but make me cum. After the orgasm I always wished I could turn him off like a dildo. Yet to be kind I always allowed a few hugs, kisses and a few days of communication before I faded away.
This game I played with him went on for five years. He was such a good guy I really wanted it to move from my pussy to my brain... But it never did. He loved me. I used him. So to be kind I slowly moved away.
Sitting on my living room floor trying to meditate my ass out of bad decisions, he came to mind. He was good for my ego. He showered me with all things necessary to make me grow. He was also a very, very, very, good lover. I just could not force the love. Yet I think Tina Turner was right. What the fuck does love have to do with it?
Through my years of exploration I have realized I never loved as the average person loves. So maybe it's all about being loved. The depression I was in had me scrambling for ways to contact him. I was very thorough to erase everything but in the day of social media nobody can truly disappear. The determined woman that I am I found him.
"Wow look how big he is." was my opening, as I commented on a public picture of his son on his Facebook page. I liked a few posts and I sat back and waited.
I cried that night. I felt so fucking empty. I needed to lay on someone's lap and have them run their fingers through my locs and whisper my name. These bouts of hopelessness came out of nowhere and always led to me hurting someone. I hope he didn't answer and then...
... The notification came that I had a DM. It was him.
"Oh wow! How are you?"
I smiled remembering how, no mater what, he was always so enthusiastic to hear from me. No matter how much time has passed, it has been a year, and he didn't seem upset at all.
"I am great, I see you are too, looking good, you still traveling the world? "I sent the message with a smile.
"Hell yeah I am. When are you going to let me fly you somewhere?"
He was a pilot and was always trying to get me in one of those small ass planes. Maybe this time I was ready. So I responded.
"Just say when."
"Saturday 4pm I'm flying to a little Island in the south. Going to fish and enjoy the solitude. You down?"
I felt excited. Once again he was challenging me to do more, be more, love more.
"I’m down."
Saturday we landed on this beautiful Island. He recognized the sadness and he went out of his way to make this shit perfect. He was also a chef and had the most absolutely delicious meal set up for us. We talked and laughed and he massaged my emotions and made me feel every bit of the woman I am.
He kissed me so slow and softly I felt as if we melted into each other. Oh my God how did I not see it before? This man was everything I need... There was no stopping the fluid flow of the next step of making love. Water was crashing and the wind was blowing on my ass. It was a movie scene and I didn't even remember why I was depressed.
We released into each other and he held me tightly while he said he missed me. The wind was cold and the crashing of the waves nauseated me. I sat up on the blanket we were laying on and pulled it around me.
I saw another couple in the distance and stared at them. I could see their Silhouette and I wondered if they were making love or laughing or cuddling or just enjoying the view. I got lost in the thought of what these strangers happiness looked like. I forgot he was there and I jumped when he pulled me back into him.
Instead of my living room floor here I sat on this beautiful island beach next to a wonderful man. Feeling helpless and alone. Totally and utterly alone…
~Nile
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